Desiring

What if my desire for change is the problem? What if bracing against what is, is what is causing more pain, hardship, and dissatisfaction? What if the thing that I want to happen is me trying to control?

It seems that the more that I lust after an outcome, the more distant it becomes like a hamster on a treadmill - running, trying, forcing, efforting, perhaps even expecting what I want to happen, to happen when I want and how I want it. It seems the more that I am caught up in this tangled mess, my hardships become amplified and my only focus.

I am lost in the non-stop drudgery of my mind. Thoughts spill over like a boiling pot, whether positive or negative their narrative and message are ultimately the same - I am not good enough as I am and I need to do something to fix this whole mess - namely me. I remind myself, Monika: “You cannot be what you perceive!”

These old wounds sting and burn for my attention. What might happen if I let go? What might happen if I surrender? What might happen if I relax into my humanness? What if I met myself compassionately? My life might change. I might actually get what I want, and this very thing scares me. It seems like there is an addiction to dreaming or chasing my dream. The state propagates obsessive, compulsive and neurotic thinking. This dream becomes… No! It's more important than me, more important than my life and what is. I know! I will just think positively. I will change and control what I think, when I think and how I think it to magically manifest what I desire. What if thinking lazily is the problem? What if following thoughts only leads to more thoughts?

The incessant hum of my mind lets me know exactly what is right and wrong. Flexibility and curiosity, have left the show. All that remains is what I know, what I know about myself, my life, and others. I am stuck in the hell of my mind trying to use thinking as a means to an end. Yet, life supports me. Yet miracles happen. Yet… yet…. yet. I've been wanting to force change even saying that if I just “change my vibration” assumes that there is something wrong with me, with what is happening and only leads to the creation of more recipes, rules, and mindset. I do not want a set mind! I want flexibility of thinking, curiosity, and playfulness. From this space, all is possible. From this space, I relax. From this space, compassion rises. From this space, I soften. Maximum contraction in the winter is needed for the seed to grow in the spring. Maximum contraction is what makes a diamond

Monika Marczuk
It was in my early 20s when I understood that I was the one common denominator in my life. I understood that looking outward for things, people, and situations to fill the void was not the solution. I understand what it feels like when life seems to be falling apart, I jumped head first into self-exploration, healing, and study knowing deep down that going inward was the only way. I have been practicing Natural Healing Therapies for 18 years. I am committed to helping those on their personal exploration and healing journey. With eighteen years of experience, I have the knowledge and tools to guide my clients through their inner journey of learning and understanding. Also, I understand that the only way to true recovery is to go inward, and am passionate about supporting my clients every step of the way. It is my pleasure to be in service, I look forward to our work together; whether it be from the comfort of your home (World Wide) via Zoom conferencing sessions or in person at my clinic.
www.mmarczuk.com monikamarczuk@gmail.com