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You don't matter

You don’t matter is exactly what you are telling yourself everyday, when you don’t care for your own needs. Ask your heart, is that really true?

“Selfish” is a big word in our world. It has such a negative connotation, and it seems, anytime someone thinks: “I really need to take care of my needs first” or “I want to do xyz for myself” our alarm bells go off and scream at us: “That’s selfish! Don’t be selfish, selfish is bad! I'm a bad person!”

This drives me crazy!!! Why is practicing any kind of self care selfish?! I think it’s entirely soulful and selfless. How am I supposed to take care of anybody, if I’m sick / burnt out / dead? What kind of role models are we to our kids and loved ones, as we martyr ourselves in favour of their well being?

I obviously get quite upset about this.

Let me give you an example:

When I get too hungry, and I didn’t plan my snacks / meals out properly, I eventually get hangry. I get irritable, frustrated, unable to make very simple decisions (like: what should I eat?), cranky and not fun to be around. If I don’t eat quickly enough I get sangry. I just want to lay on the floor and curl up in a ball.

I need food, and I need it now. I (or someone else) needs to take care of my needs right now.

How could I possibly do anything nice and kind for anybody at this moment?! It’s impossible for me! And if I tried I would just be a super cranky person, growing so resentful that I’m taking care of someone else’s needs right now while my own basic needs are not met. My family deserves to be treated with much more care, love and kindness than I am able to offer at this time. And frankly, I deserve to treat myself with that same amount of love and kindness.

So, for the love of my family, I need to take care of my needs first, and there is absolutely nothing selfish about this. After I have had some food, and I feel more like a human person again, I can take care of my family. Until then, I am entirely useless to them.

This is just one of my examples. I know you have your own. It may not be the same as mine, but I challenge you to walk through one of your own unique situations. Look at it as if you were watching a movie, and you can hear the person’s thoughts of your own character. Make it even more fun and choose your favourite actress to play your part!

Here are some questions to ponder during this exercise:

● Is looking after everyone but yourself serving or hurting you? And how?

● How would you shine and blossom if you took care of yourself first?

● What kind of a role model are you now vs. what could you teach your kids about worthiness if you prioritized your own needs?

Can we agree that “taking care of yourself“ = “selfish” = absolutely ridiculous?! We need to let this go, and we need other beliefs that support us in its place:


● It is selfless & soulful to look after myself first

● I am actually the most important person in my life

● When I feel good and cared for, I am a much better human and love caring for my family

● I am a great role model when I show my kids that I matter

What’s yours? Did you come up with a different one?

This topic has been so ingrained in us, and it can be tricky to do this thought work by yourself. I myself prefer to speak to another coach when I work through these kind of mindset shifts & reframe old beliefs that don’t serve me anymore.

My offer to you is this: Have a 20 min conversation with me, and we will reframe this toxic nonsense. You'll leave with more confidence, clarity, and one action step that you can take to take back self care, because you matter. And you deserve to be cared for.

Send me an email, and we will set it up! I look forward to supporting you!

Jani is a certified ICF & Martha Beck Life Coach

For more info visit:

Schedule a time for us to talk right here:


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